I’ve approached this idea in other posts as well, but I believe it’s so important it deserves a new one. In my opinion, whenever someone behaves in a certain way because of what we said or did, that person actually behaves based on their interpretation on how that is going to affect himself/herself.
This is how I see it: if I’m arguing with someone and I’m getting mad because that person said something, I’m actually not getting mad because of those words, but because I unconsciously think that those words are threatening me and my integrity. For example, if someone is telling me that I’m stupid and I’m getting mad, my anger is not coming from the fact that he said it, but because deep down I’m afraid that it might be true and this fact is a threat to my being. If I did something that made that person to call me stupid, he/she said it not because of what I did, but because that action somehow is disturbing his/hers wellbeing. It could’ve been anyone doing the same thing and the reaction would have been the same or worse.
If a random person steals something from me, I’m getting mad because the act of stealing is threatening my wellbeing. If a friend steals something from me, I’ll get even angrier because my wellbeing is being threatened by the act of stealing and also by the fact that my impression about that friend proved to be wrong.
So next time someone is yelling at you because of what you did/said, think about the fact that he/she is not mad at you, but more likely because your words/actions has been perceived as threatening by that person. Yes, you are responsible for what you did, but that’s not the point here. It’s not about you, it’s about that person. Think about the moments you get mad on someone… are you really getting mad on that person? Or you’re getting mad because that action is somehow affecting you?
I believe that our actions and reactions have nothing to do with other people (most of the time). We’re acting and reacting based on how other people’s behavior affects our wellbeing.
What are your thoughts about this?
Well said.
Thank you! 😀
A lot of reactive behavior can be borne out of personal insecurity. A threat to the image of oneself someone who refuses to look in the mirror has created.
I totally agree with that! Our reactions are based on our thoughts which are based on our perception about “reality” and that perception might not be the right one…
It very often isn’t, ha!
I do believe it our reactions have a lot to do with how we perceive things. It does not even have to be reality. I get angry if anyone calls me selfish because I feel that threatens who or what my character is. There is a lot of truth to this article. I truly enjoyed reading every part!
I enjoyed writing it. It helps me understand better other people’s reaction and because of this understanding I can keep my emotions under control. 🙂
Ok I’ll go one step further here…when someone is yelling at you getting mad, it is actually that persons own insecurities as well. A lot of times what we hate and judge in another person is actually what we hate or judge about ourselves.
Yes, that’s right! It is said that we see in other people our own reflection.
Exactly. Life is a mirror
They are only words unless they’re true.
Yeah, but what makes them true? That’s one of the questions…
What is true for one person isn’t necessarily true for the next. If you told two people they were stupid only the one who believes it will think you are telling the truth.
Exactly! That’s one of the reasons there is so much misunderstanding in this world…
Yep, I know first hand I have said something innocently and it has been misunderstood and vice versa. It is hard.
I think some of it is how you’re raised to respond to that kind of “threat”. Do you take it to heart, because that’s what you’ve been trained to do, or do you look at it from a non-emotional point of view? It’s hard to pull out of an emotionally charged situation and look at things without that bias.
Yes, it’s hard to pull out o an emotionally charged situation, but “arguing with your own thoughts” will result in having mixed feelings which can remove the “certainty” of that situation…
Ouch that’s complicated lol Im not sure I have time to think in that moment of getting mad 🙂
I believe there is some time, but it’s very short.
sometimes you can become mad on something because of other certain reasons – stress, etc. But that words – they only are like trigger.
I agree. And those other reasons are also related to us.
yep right
Yessss!! I was thinking about this just an hour ago. Thank you for writing this.
It was my pleasure! Thank you for reading! 😀
If someone ever says something at me along this line, and I feel myself getting defensive, I stop and ask myself why I’m feeling that way. Am I worried that what they’re saying is true? Am I making an assumption about what they mean? I’m trying to ask clarifying questions before I react on my gut, just in case there was a misunderstanding that could be cleared up without losing my temper. For instance, if somebody said, “You are awful at what you do!” I might ask, “Okay. What do you think my role is?” or “What makes you say that?” because they might be misunderstanding my job, or perhaps I did make an oversight that I need to handle right away. I have found that asking the other person to clarify what they mean usually stops any escalation of emotions.
So, in short, yes – I think that a lot of conflict happens because of people’s perceptions, or really misunderstandings, of a particular situation. So we should take care to try and clarify as much as we can before jumping to conclusions!
Yes, asking questions is a great way to enhance communication which gives a wider perspective about things.
I think in almost every situation we should constantly be aware that we are all doing the best we can given our experiences, histories, perceptions and beliefs. It makes no difference who did or said what. What is most important, I think, is that we forgive and remember getting angry hurts us more than others. We all make mistakes.
Yes, I believe this as well. We’re just hurting ourselves when we’re getting angry, stressed etc.