If we really think about it, where do most of the negative feelings come from? What triggers them? In my opinion, it’s a matter of communication. Either if we talk to other people or we talk to ourselves, we need to be specific in our speech so the message is proper transmitted. This increases the chances for it to be proper understood.
But what does a better communication really mean? It means that we use words to express our ideas without letting the other person to fill out the blanks with their assumptions. Of course, they will still interpret the message, but they cannot use words we never used (at least, in theory). A better communication also means that we don’t assume the message others try to say. We ask questions to find out the answers, in case we have any. And we should have because the more we know, the better understanding we can have. The knowledge comes from learning, not from assuming.
In my opinion, this assumption thing is what triggers most of the negative feelings. Some people say something, we fill out the blanks, we assume that we understood what the other said and we get angry if the message doesn’t match our core beliefs (or it does match and we don’t want to admit it). And fear has a big role here. We sometimes get scared of what others might assume, but we don’t want to communicate or rephrase our speech/message. Why? Because we assume others will understand something we never said. And instead of saying whatever we have to say, we sit quiet in fear waiting for our fears to become a reality. The thing is that we don’t need for those fears to become a reality and most of the time, they never do.
F – False
E – Expectations
A – Appearing
R – Real
Fear and lack of communication do a great job in screwing with our heads, but what can we do?
Brilliantly stated, and I wholeheartedly agree. I get frustrated because I see so many examples of language being used to deliberately by leaders and media to sow discord. I keep wondering how to stand up against it but it really does come down to starting with yourself.
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And with mastering the own way of thinking and speaking.
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I heartily concur
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Awesome! In your opinion, what would be the first step towards that?
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Eeek that thats a hard one. More education and opening up about those hidden messages we hear
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Yes exactly!
We have to be a free thinker..
“Freethinkers are those who are willing to use their minds without prejudice and without fearing to understand things that clash with their own customs, privileges, or beliefs. This state of mind is not common, but it is essential for right thinking.” -Leo Tolstoy
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Furthermore, we NEED to be freethinkers.
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So true. We’ve all heard that people listen to respond not to understand. I can also name a few times just yesterday I thought I knew what someone was going to say and they said something completely different. There are probably ways to become a better listener/ communicator (as they both seem to contribute to the problem), but I don’t think most people think “man, I’m gonna learn to listen better today.”
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I also noticed these things. I believe the first step would be to learn how to shut up even though we’re not listening. At least we’re not creating more confusion. When shutting up becomes a habit, we will start to listen…
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There’s a little more than listening more that needs to be on the table – and that’s really listening, not just shutting up and letting “Blah blah, orange blah” go past our ears. It’s tuning out the millions of things that demand our attention to focus on what’s being said. It’s saying “I’m unclear about this point – could you please reiterate?” It is also standing up to bullies or liars and calmly calling them out. They feed on discord and fear, so don’t feed them. That’s one part.
The second part is how we communicate. If I were to say something like “Well,, that’s sand on the dollar” – I would hope someone would ask for clarification. (For the record, that was a made up thing.) But if I told you that your PT was off? Which PT? Physical therapy? Prothrombin time? Physical training? A video game? It’s not just context.
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Of course, but we won’t do all at once. We need to start with something, don’t you think? And then the next step and so on until we get better at it.
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I’m working on a twofold approach – being aware of my listeners background or interests, and in shutting down intrusive thoughts and really listening. I did tell my husband yesterday “OK, you’re throwing too many things at me to sort through. Let me get these tasks done, and we can continue from there.” That helped a LOT.
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Oneself can be considered but others are not ones issue
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Indirectly, they are…
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Surely
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Yes surely you are right dear
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“Knowledge comes from learning, not assuming” a very profound statement. We really need to put forth more effort in understanding one another. It’s too easy to disregard the perspective of others when it doesn’t match our own. I want to be able to confirm the words found at Proverbs 8:12 “I, wisdom, dwell together with shrewdness; I have found knowledge and thinking ability.”
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And still… to stop assuming implies to admit that we’re wrong… which is not as easy as it sounds because of the ego and insecurities.
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Very true!
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My acronym for F.E.A.R. Forgetting Everything is All Right.
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That works great too 🙂
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