In our post industrial, feminist world, its not as clear a it used to be what a man is or what he should be. We live in a world, in which feminist groups often associate man’s masculinity with ‘tyranny’ and as a result believe in degrading men’s masculinity.
Centuries ago, a mans duty was power and protection. Decades ago, it was to work and provide. But now, we’re not quite sure. We’re either the first or second generation of men to grow up without a clear definition of what our social roles are meant to be or some sort of guide that shows how to be a strong and attractive man.
With this article I’d like to bring all men, or people in general I guess, a little closer to understanding what being an attractive man of integrity, maturity, and masculinity looks like.
Now, before I go and tell you whats on my mind, I’d like to emphasise that I certainly cannot go through ALL the important aspects of what I believe it takes to be an attractive and mature man, but I will try to give you a rough overview with some key features in as little as I can write here.
From an evolutionary standpoint, men and woman used to live in tribes. For the the sake of this example, let’s a take a somewhat realistic scenario of 20 men, all hunter gathereres.
Some of the men in the tribe are constantly reactive to what the other men tell them. They don’t admit faults. They change their behavior and what they say to win the approval of the other men. When something doesn’t go their way, they look to blame someone else. What would this say about their status in their tribe? If they’re basing all of their behavior on the approval of the other men and are constantly covering for their weaknesses, it says that they’re low status, not trustworthy, needy, and probably not going to be a dependable father.
Now imagine other men in the same tribe who are unfazed by the neediness or temper tantrums of the other men around them. They focus purely on their task at hand and don’t change their behavior based on what others think of them. When challenged, they stand up for themselves, but when wrong they also admit their fault, as they see no reason to hide their weakness. They have a sense of honor. They don’t react to any of the other men around them, rather, the other men react to him.
Clearly, the latter implies a man of high status. It implies a man who is likely to be dependable father, take care of his family, and is non-needy.
My belief is, is that masculinity and being an attractive man is grounded, not in the physical looks, but much more in his behavior. To be more specific, its his abilty to be non-needy.
Neediness vs. non-neediness
A mans attractiveness is proportional to how needy he is. The less needy (i.e. more non-needy), the more attractive he will be to woman on average. The same goes the other way around.
Neediness is when a man places a higher priority on others perceptions of him, than his perceptions of himself. His actions and words will therefore primarily be motivated by impressing and winning approval by others.
Non-neediness is when a man places a higher priority of perception of himself than the perception of others. His actions and words are therefore motivated by embodying his own values and desires.
To be non-needy, is being more attractive in every way. Being non-needy defines and resonates in everything a man says and does. The way he stands, smiles, the way he tells jokes, the jacket he wears, the car he drives etc.
You know when woman sometimes say he just has IT! – in case you were always wondering what they mean, they are referring to a mans non-neediness.
Paradoxically, a mans lack of need for attention and admiration, is itself a magnet for attention and admiration, and ulimatley, the key to being more attractive.
Non-neediness is when a man is comfortable with knowing that some people may not like him, may not agree with him, or may not resonate with him.
A needy man however, is constantly investing in the perceptions others have in him. He is being extra nice and friendly when he actually doesn’t want to be, because he believes he MUST do this in order to be liked, loved, or be attractive. Needy men, also come up with fake compliments and BS stories because they think it will make them a badass and get more woman to go into bed with them.
Sure, a non-needy man may also give a woman compliments, and say stuff that she may like. But he doesn’t do so with the purpose of impressing her. He does it, because he means it.
You see, neediness and non-neediness differ in one core thing.
A man who is non-needy has the intention of saying or doing things, because he actually believes in saying or doing them. He is honest in everything he does, and genuinley means what he says.
The needy man, does things with the intention of gaining outside approval, as he has a greater investment in the perceptions others have of him, than the perception he has of himself.
I believe in order to be an attractive man, the key thing is to be non-needy. To be honest, not be afraid of sharing your opinion, jokes, or making yourself vulnerable. Simply said, to be yourself.
What do you think?