It’s Okay If You’re Not Feeling Well-Mannered
There’s a development related process in psychology. It takes place during our childhood.
When we’re kids, we’re egocentric. Till the age of at least four to six. After that, we turn into social animals. Allocentric people.
Egocentrism means that you give a damn about what’s happening right now or what the others might think. If you want a bar of chocolate, then YOU WANT IT. NOW!
The word “egocentric” explains much of the selfishness hidden in this trait. Being self-centered is considered to be a hideous trait in a human.
If I switch back to egocentrism (which I can’t), I’ll very soon gain notoriety. The society I live in will soon ostracize me.
Allocentrism is something different. It is the first sign of mental and social maturation according to me.
In this stage, we gain the understanding of caring about others’ perspectives. The ability to “get into the shoes” of other people.
Now, I won’t ask for the bar chocolate at almost any time. I’ll think what other’s might think. I’ll sense the environment and inspect whether it is the right time and mood or not.
After all this investigation, I’ll ask for that much-awaited bar of chocolate.
Many people will be able to relate to allocentric traits. Or it could be a mixture of both.
Kids do not understand the complexities of our society. They don’t find anything wrong in asking for a toy car when someone has met an accident. But for me and you, that’s a horrible thing to do.
As we grow up, people expect us to behave according to the society’s norms. Nothing’s wrong in that.
A little kid could slap an elder out of no reason. And as surprising as it seems to be, everyone, including the victim of the baby slap, will laugh and adore the act.
If I myself go and slap that individual, I’ll find myself in a physical or mental struggle. In teens, it’s going to be a “hot” war. And in adults, it’s going to be a cold war.
Well, according to me, these all facts are scientific. That we turn into egocentric and allocentric and all that. I discussed all this to create a background. To contemplate over the basic human behavior.
The important point is………..
That as we grow up, we’re becoming more and more egocentric. The only difference is that it gets uglier. Something that hides behind the curtain and calls itself a “social animal”. The one that cares about others’ perspectives.
I remember, that my life and attitude has changed drastically in the last few years.
When we were kids, we used to say bad things to each other, and rarely fight over it. And the good thing was that we used to forget it as fast as we could.
There’s a six-year difference between me and my brother. Whenever we have a fight, he is the first one to forget everything and pass me on the next order as if nothing happened. His simplicity and innocence make me forget stuff, too.
As we grew up, our egos grew stronger. In grade 7 and 8, every fight that took place would become a matter of interest for other people for DAYS.
The heat and environment that gets created worsen the situation. The two victims of the clash now find it more difficult to withdraw. Since it’s a public matter, withdrawal from any side will get the label of cowardice.
This cold and hot war sustains the enmity in the opponents (apparent). It leaves residues of anger, hatred, and competition.
You can almost NEVER find infants fighting. Since they’re fresh from God’s factory. As they grow, the layers start forming over each individual, shaping their behaviors.
In adults, there is no lukewarm war. Lukewarm finds its place in teenagers.
Adults play cold war. And after too much pressure, at a point, it turns into hot war. And the end result could be no war or cold war II.
There has been an apparent ego war in our housing society. It has taken place between the two most influential and rich people.
There was sarcasm and sleight behavior in both the parties for each other. Some sort of tension and stress would be present between the two. It could be felt.
This is stage 1 of the cold war. Where one might say some unpleasant things to the other one. Then the other will retaliate, too. And the result will be an indirect fight.
No exchange of words or expressions. Some or the other sort of verbal and intellectual fight.
Then, one day, a fight broke between the two. The two intellectuals, intelligent, educated and civilized citizens turned into loudspeakers.
Raging with anger, they attacked over each other. The scene got ugly in no time. As the “civilized” men started exchanging beautiful cuss words with each other.
One of them tried to get violent, but that didn’t happen. That wasn’t so “civil” and “mannered” enough.
The latent anger stored in us keeps coming out in some or the other forms.
When I have fights with my younger brother, I have to face the most pain. Since I have burdened myself with the expectation of behaving correctly.
Every time he says something bad to me, I stay quiet as I stuff my anger inside. But on some or the other occasion, it comes out. It could be in the form of some comment or sarcastic diatribe.
But the build-up is massive. I release 5g somehow, on 10 occasions. But then one incident adds up a 5kp anger pile.
Someday, the meter is up and the volcano can’t contain itself anymore. So it blasts like hell! And the lava burns up me, my energy and the peace of the people around me.
Do NOT think too much about others’ perspectives. A little caution is all you need to keep yourself from doing wrong to a person.
Overthinking about this and that circumstances will make the situation uglier.
Accept it, that you’re egocentric (if you are). That’ll fix your ego even faster. Accepting speeds things up.
“What will he/she think if I do this/that?”
This is what taking others’ perspective in the picture actually means. It could even result in thinking the following:-
“What will he/she think if I say sorry? He/she will think that I have fallen weak! No way!”
Long story short, don’t complicate things with hundreds of ideals. Ideals are necessary, but where needed. We are using 100 in place of 10. And 0 in place of 20.
Leave the extremist path. Not too bad, not too good. Perfectly balanced.
(Note:- Please do not confuse Psychological terms with what I said. Egocentrism and Allocentrism are used for something all in all different. I used them to give a little bit of background. Otherwise, I was discussing something even deeper and psychological. Apology to all the Psychology fans if I’ve used any term unsuitably here! 😉)
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