It’s Okay If You’re Not Feeling Well-Mannered
There’s a development related process in psychology. It takes place during our childhood.
When we’re kids, we’re egocentric. Till the age of at least four to six. After that, we turn into social animals. Allocentric people.
Egocentrism means that you give a damn about what’s happening right now or what the others might think. If you want a bar of chocolate, then YOU WANT IT. NOW!
The word “egocentric” explains much of the selfishness hidden in this trait. Being self-centered is considered to be a hideous trait in a human.
If I switch back to egocentrism (which I can’t), I’ll very soon gain notoriety. The society I live in will soon ostracize me.
Allocentrism is something different. It is the first sign of mental and social maturation according to me.
In this stage, we gain the understanding of caring about others’ perspectives. The ability to “get into the shoes” of other people.
Now, I won’t ask for the bar chocolate at almost any time. I’ll think what other’s might think. I’ll sense the environment and inspect whether it is the right time and mood or not.
After all this investigation, I’ll ask for that much-awaited bar of chocolate.
Many people will be able to relate to allocentric traits. Or it could be a mixture of both.
Kids do not understand the complexities of our society. They don’t find anything wrong in asking for a toy car when someone has met an accident. But for me and you, that’s a horrible thing to do.
As we grow up, people expect us to behave according to the society’s norms. Nothing’s wrong in that.
A little kid could slap an elder out of no reason. And as surprising as it seems to be, everyone, including the victim of the baby slap, will laugh and adore the act.
If I myself go and slap that individual, I’ll find myself in a physical or mental struggle. In teens, it’s going to be a “hot” war. And in adults, it’s going to be a cold war.
Well, according to me, these all facts are scientific. That we turn into egocentric and allocentric and all that. I discussed all this to create a background. To contemplate over the basic human behavior.
The important point is………..
That as we grow up, we’re becoming more and more egocentric. The only difference is that it gets uglier. Something that hides behind the curtain and calls itself a “social animal”. The one that cares about others’ perspectives.
I remember, that my life and attitude has changed drastically in the last few years.
When we were kids, we used to say bad things to each other, and rarely fight over it. And the good thing was that we used to forget it as fast as we could.
There’s a six-year difference between me and my brother. Whenever we have a fight, he is the first one to forget everything and pass me on the next order as if nothing happened. His simplicity and innocence make me forget stuff, too.
As we grew up, our egos grew stronger. In grade 7 and 8, every fight that took place would become a matter of interest for other people for DAYS.
The heat and environment that gets created worsen the situation. The two victims of the clash now find it more difficult to withdraw. Since it’s a public matter, withdrawal from any side will get the label of cowardice.
This cold and hot war sustains the enmity in the opponents (apparent). It leaves residues of anger, hatred, and competition.
You can almost NEVER find infants fighting. Since they’re fresh from God’s factory. As they grow, the layers start forming over each individual, shaping their behaviors.
In adults, there is no lukewarm war. Lukewarm finds its place in teenagers.
Adults play cold war. And after too much pressure, at a point, it turns into hot war. And the end result could be no war or cold war II.
There has been an apparent ego war in our housing society. It has taken place between the two most influential and rich people.
There was sarcasm and sleight behavior in both the parties for each other. Some sort of tension and stress would be present between the two. It could be felt.
This is stage 1 of the cold war. Where one might say some unpleasant things to the other one. Then the other will retaliate, too. And the result will be an indirect fight.
No exchange of words or expressions. Some or the other sort of verbal and intellectual fight.
Then, one day, a fight broke between the two. The two intellectuals, intelligent, educated and civilized citizens turned into loudspeakers.
Raging with anger, they attacked over each other. The scene got ugly in no time. As the “civilized” men started exchanging beautiful cuss words with each other.
One of them tried to get violent, but that didn’t happen. That wasn’t so “civil” and “mannered” enough.
The latent anger stored in us keeps coming out in some or the other forms.
When I have fights with my younger brother, I have to face the most pain. Since I have burdened myself with the expectation of behaving correctly.
Every time he says something bad to me, I stay quiet as I stuff my anger inside. But on some or the other occasion, it comes out. It could be in the form of some comment or sarcastic diatribe.
But the build-up is massive. I release 5g somehow, on 10 occasions. But then one incident adds up a 5kp anger pile.
Someday, the meter is up and the volcano can’t contain itself anymore. So it blasts like hell! And the lava burns up me, my energy and the peace of the people around me.
Conclusion
Do NOT think too much about others’ perspectives. A little caution is all you need to keep yourself from doing wrong to a person.
Overthinking about this and that circumstances will make the situation uglier.
Accept it, that you’re egocentric (if you are). That’ll fix your ego even faster. Accepting speeds things up.
“What will he/she think if I do this/that?”
This is what taking others’ perspective in the picture actually means. It could even result in thinking the following:-
“What will he/she think if I say sorry? He/she will think that I have fallen weak! No way!”
Long story short, don’t complicate things with hundreds of ideals. Ideals are necessary, but where needed. We are using 100 in place of 10. And 0 in place of 20.
Leave the extremist path. Not too bad, not too good. Perfectly balanced.
(Note:- Please do not confuse Psychological terms with what I said. Egocentrism and Allocentrism are used for something all in all different. I used them to give a little bit of background. Otherwise, I was discussing something even deeper and psychological. Apology to all the Psychology fans if I’ve used any term unsuitably here! 😉)
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I believe that how we are in our childhood is a true reflection of our nature. in that case, we need to keep the ‘ego-centric’ side of us. Just tone it down as needed. Otherwise, we go against our nature, which never gives good results.
That’s a nice viewpoint! Thanks for sharing it with us!
I tend to agree with you. What we are in childhood is our true self – then we find/design our masks. For some the masks are so different from their real-selves that a person who gets into a deeper relationship with them, realizes that the real person isn’t who they had liked in the first place.
True. When I started digging deeper into the differences between my childhood self and my current self, I noticed so many differences that I felt sad. It felt like I left my personality in the depths of my experiences. Luckily, though, realizing this was the first step to getting it out. Still work in progress.
I much prefer to spend my time with and around animals because they are so straight forward, honest and do things in a simple, clear cut way that is done and dusted and over with and nobody sulks or holds grudges or has to negotiate their way through social nonsense and go round the houses.
You get on someone’s nerves you’re given a short sharp shock and told to sod off. OK no problem. Do it again you’ll get another which is fair enough you were told.
You nick or intrude on someone’s food you get another short sharp shock . Fair enough. It’s a harsh way to learn I guess but simple, fair and everyone knows the drill.
I would not and will never accept or allow bullying and unfair behaviour from anyone – man or beast but I do prefer and openly accept a system of “This is how it’s done. You don’t like you don’t join us. If you’re happy come on in you’re more than welcome”
Very rarely see animals bullying and being cruel towards another member of their pack or herd for no reason. They have rules and clear boundaries and couldn’t care less about Facebook drama. This is why they make the best friends and companions.
If humans took a leaf out that book I’d maybe like a few more. Until then I’m happy with the very select few people with whom I choose to spend my time and live with and the animals we share life with too 🙂
That is very true. And I 101% agree with you on the simplicity of animals and how they can teach the humankind so much what we have lost. Animals are true examples of the harmony of nature. They allow nature to flow through them, creating a perfect balance.
I’m glad people like you are still out there with such refreshing viewpoints! Thanks for stopping by and sharing it with us!
I honestly think people should learn to communicate without saying a single word. The most irritating thing on Earth is how much people chatter and jabber and waffle and the way they can’t handle uncomfortable silences so just fill them with even more waffle and crap.
I worked with older people for years and used to manage dementia care homes where many of the residents would have some visual or hearing impairment. When you’re communicating with someone that has memory problems or advanced dementia and can’t hear a thing on top of that, you learn to hold entire conversations using just exaggerated facial expressions and lots of hand – mouth gestures and it’s so easy and rarely causes any confusion or misinterpretation.
Little bit like “Want a brew?” and the hand gesture like you’re drinking a brew. “Tea? You want a cup of tea?”
Person responds by doing the same hand gesture “Cup of tea? Yeah I’ll have one” and nods, smiles or gives you a thumbs up.
Then you give a thumbs up back to say no problem, point at the door to say “I’ll go get you one now won’t be a tick” and not a word is spoken or a sound heard but you just managed to have a full conversation which if they could hear and speak would probably have been a long winded conversation.
“Mabel would you like a cup of tea?”
“Oh erm… if you’re making one I might but don’t go out of your way. I had a cup not long since so maybe I don’t need another”
“Well I can make you one it doesn’t matter”
“Yeah but then I might not drink it and it will go to waste… Seems a shame to waste it”
“It’ll be OK but I’ll bring a teapot so you can keep it warm in there until you want one”
That’s how people talk when they don’t know how to communicate in a simple, straight forward sort of way. They say so much crap and yet say nothing at all.
Granted I am a bit short-fused and impatient but I do struggle with incessant noise and people that talk too much.
Same when I’m training or working with the dogs. I don’t give long instruction and waffle and jabber because they don’t need it and just want to know what we want so they can sort it.
“Where do you want these sheep?”
“There”
“OK. Done”
This is why I love dogs 😀
I really enjoyed this perspective