I would then have found a kindred spirit as it would allow us to talk on equal terms. If we disagreed on something instead of someone say “you always do that”, we would have agreed to only use adjustable language and so the other could object and let them know that “always” is an absolute term. This would be the beginning of a way of seeing and interacting with the world in a whole new light and allow each of us to object rather than get angry. Because of this new fairness we could discuss any subject and no one could try bully the other into submission using absolute and false facts. Well that is what my brother and I have been doing for the last 15 years.
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I tend to be very forward, which can be off-putting for a lot of people.
I have a speech impairment, so people have trouble understanding me. And apparently, my writing needs work, cause people have trouble understanding it. It makes sense to me, but some reason not to them, unless they’ve known me for a long time. My grammar is a bit rusty..
Not to be too straightforward …and in the event that I am very enthusiastic , it is hard to discipline myself, be patient ( I am a very quick thinker) and listen to the other person.
You might be right. I am very passionate in discussions / debates. But on the other hand people used to think that I am very much in self-control and never lose my “contenance” in critical situations. The truth is that I am very emotional and tend to be impulsive that is the reason why I avoid to be spontaneous. In the relevant situation, I am very head-strong and cool. Later on, as soon as I am alone the emotions belonging to the incident pop up.
I figured out that I feel misunderstood sometimes because I don’t give others the chance to get a direct, immediate emotional feedback from me. The tougher the situation, the cooler I am.
Strange.
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To explain my views exactly as they are framed in my mind.
Thanks for your advice. I will try this one surely
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The biggest challenge for me when communicating with others is keeping my ego out of it, and learning to always speak from my heart with honesty, integrity, and authenticity.
That’s a very high standard Jen that you have set for yourself, to “…. always speak from my heart with honesty, integrity, and authenticity”. I come from the opposite end of the spectrum & aim to be less dishonest, less inconsistent & less inaccurate, and generally less insincere. You might say that it is just semantics but I would say semantics is a very important part of communication especially with oneself.
Well Desmond, that ‘standard’ I have is something that I aim for I guess you would say? It’s hard to put being ‘honest and acting in integrity’ at all times into actual practice. But I’ve noticed in life that if I allow my ‘ego’ to get involved in situations when dealing with people that I don’t stay true to myself and I make dumb decisions. I don’t know if that makes sense lol.
And yes, semantics is important. 🙂
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I guess the point I was trying to make Jen, is that personally, I think it is easier to push away from a negative value attribute than to try attain an absolute positive one. Such as insincerity rather than sincerity for example.
All the time, but it gets worse when I’m uncomfortable or extremely exited. I just make sure to be aware of how fast I’m talking and slow it down.
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I think for me it’s understanding what people want from a conversation – I might just want to say something and be done, but others want to chat. Small talk doesn’t come as naturally to me as it seems to do for others.
I get that feeling often. I’m not a big fan of small talks either so when I “have to” have one, I ask questions and I’ll let that other person do the talking.
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I’m gay, and whenever I’m either talking to customers at work, or people outside of work, I always have this creeping thought about whether they would accept me if I knew. I usually have a pretty decent read on people, and it shouldn’t matter in accordance with the conversation or the circumstance, as it’s usually a fleeting moment, but it bothers me. And this affects my communication with them, especially with (presumably) straight men that I find attractive. I feel I should be more “masculine” and sometimes adjust my speech to be more “on their level.” This isn’t always the case, but it happens regularly.
That’s the thing; I don’t usually care what other people think of me, especially tertiary people I may not see again. It’s just this weird “instinct” I guess you could say, to blend in. I’m not exactly sure where it came from or if there was a catalyst. On any given day I see several of the same people. And again, I don’t always feel this way and I’m trying to break myself of the habit.
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To be a better listener, especially when talking to those wiser than me. Also by listening you will also learn who isn’t wiser and then take what is said with the right weight.
I think quieting my brain and slowing down and being open, trying to put myself in the other person’s shoes. I try these things now but sometimes my emotions get the best of me.
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Sometimes I never know when my social anxiety is going to take a hold of me and make me act in ways I have no control over when I’m typically a very outgoing open person.
This question has to be up there with the other ultimate life questions such as our origin, meaning of life and so fourth.
The biggest issue isn’t with the audience, its the speaker who often fails to align thoughts with verbal language
I think it depends of the audience too, but it’s probably the speaker’s responsibility to choose his/her words wisely. But most of the time is not about the talking, but about the listening.
Find it difficult to engage because before I have even finished talking I can see the other person has already formed their reply regardless of what else I have to say.
Communication is very difficult for me as I have hearing difficulties and central vision loss so struggle to lip-read. 95% of people refuse to adapt to my communication needs which is incredibly frustrating!
I do glorified tech support, but really it’s just customer service.
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Fear of not being listened to. I feel, so often, that I’m ignored, so I lose confidence in delivering my thoughts and become quiet due to the nagging feeling of being unheard. I shut down. I then feel like I have nothing useful to say in the process and it becomes a perpetual cycle of negativity inside my head.
My verbal communication is rather flat, I say what I mean without much emotion. I remain calm and level, but it is not always well received. My words may be strong and precise, but the emotional animation is not there to drive them home. It upsets some people.
Well lately, people I interact with do not listen or interrupt or talk over me, so clearly I cannot communicate. However, I started ignoring them altogether, or just not engage in conversation, let them talk and hear nothing. And when they ask I say I heard nothing, and they get frustrated but still seek my company. Go figure!
It’s the only way I know how to be. If someone asks me something I assume they want to know the answer so I give them the absolute truth and I don’t sugar coat. I don’t like liars so I guess I’m the other extreme.
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Compensating for their likes and dislikes:( Fun though!
Framing the Right Word at the Right Moment
That is tough indeed… and the right words usually appear after the conversation is over.
Getting people to use adjustable language verses absolute language
This is very interesting! How helpful would that be for you?
I would then have found a kindred spirit as it would allow us to talk on equal terms. If we disagreed on something instead of someone say “you always do that”, we would have agreed to only use adjustable language and so the other could object and let them know that “always” is an absolute term. This would be the beginning of a way of seeing and interacting with the world in a whole new light and allow each of us to object rather than get angry. Because of this new fairness we could discuss any subject and no one could try bully the other into submission using absolute and false facts. Well that is what my brother and I have been doing for the last 15 years.
I tend to be very forward, which can be off-putting for a lot of people.
How come you’re so “very forward”?
I tend to be latter of fact. I’m getting better about considering how my words might appear to others.
Not communicating at all from lack of confidence in what to say.
What if instead of thinking about what to say you’d think about how you can get to know that other person better?
I have a speech impairment, so people have trouble understanding me. And apparently, my writing needs work, cause people have trouble understanding it. It makes sense to me, but some reason not to them, unless they’ve known me for a long time. My grammar is a bit rusty..
Looks ok to me 🙂
Thank you, that means a lot to me, I think most of my issues are on facebook. Maybe I should just stick to blogging. lol
Or maybe their grammar is a bit rusty?
Thinking on my feet…After few minutes of responding, I am like some other response would have been abetter …😅
Maybe you concentrate too much on “the best response”?
This is a new perspective for me…Thanks for sharing…And yeah this could be the reason…
Hoping my resting bitch face does not take away from my sincerity and/or make me appear to be aloof or worse, pissed off all of the time.
What makes you say that?
Not to be too straightforward …and in the event that I am very enthusiastic , it is hard to discipline myself, be patient ( I am a very quick thinker) and listen to the other person.
I think this probably comes from having intense emotions in the middle of the conversation.
You might be right. I am very passionate in discussions / debates. But on the other hand people used to think that I am very much in self-control and never lose my “contenance” in critical situations. The truth is that I am very emotional and tend to be impulsive that is the reason why I avoid to be spontaneous. In the relevant situation, I am very head-strong and cool. Later on, as soon as I am alone the emotions belonging to the incident pop up.
I figured out that I feel misunderstood sometimes because I don’t give others the chance to get a direct, immediate emotional feedback from me. The tougher the situation, the cooler I am.
Strange.
To explain my views exactly as they are framed in my mind.
That is a struggle I often face. I hear that reading and writing helps with that.
Thanks for your advice. I will try this one surely
The biggest challenge for me when communicating with others is keeping my ego out of it, and learning to always speak from my heart with honesty, integrity, and authenticity.
That’s a very high standard Jen that you have set for yourself, to “…. always speak from my heart with honesty, integrity, and authenticity”. I come from the opposite end of the spectrum & aim to be less dishonest, less inconsistent & less inaccurate, and generally less insincere. You might say that it is just semantics but I would say semantics is a very important part of communication especially with oneself.
Well Desmond, that ‘standard’ I have is something that I aim for I guess you would say? It’s hard to put being ‘honest and acting in integrity’ at all times into actual practice. But I’ve noticed in life that if I allow my ‘ego’ to get involved in situations when dealing with people that I don’t stay true to myself and I make dumb decisions. I don’t know if that makes sense lol.
And yes, semantics is important. 🙂
I guess the point I was trying to make Jen, is that personally, I think it is easier to push away from a negative value attribute than to try attain an absolute positive one. Such as insincerity rather than sincerity for example.
Yes! Handling our own ego is a big challenge…
Not to talk too fast!
How often is that an issue?
All the time, but it gets worse when I’m uncomfortable or extremely exited. I just make sure to be aware of how fast I’m talking and slow it down.
I think for me it’s understanding what people want from a conversation – I might just want to say something and be done, but others want to chat. Small talk doesn’t come as naturally to me as it seems to do for others.
I get that feeling often. I’m not a big fan of small talks either so when I “have to” have one, I ask questions and I’ll let that other person do the talking.
Getting them to understand what I mean. I trip over my words often lol
Well, practicing makes it better. Would you say that there are some sort of emotions or anxiety involved and that makes you trip over your words?
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I’m gay, and whenever I’m either talking to customers at work, or people outside of work, I always have this creeping thought about whether they would accept me if I knew. I usually have a pretty decent read on people, and it shouldn’t matter in accordance with the conversation or the circumstance, as it’s usually a fleeting moment, but it bothers me. And this affects my communication with them, especially with (presumably) straight men that I find attractive. I feel I should be more “masculine” and sometimes adjust my speech to be more “on their level.” This isn’t always the case, but it happens regularly.
How important it is for you their opinion and why is so? How regular are your interactions with the same people?
That’s the thing; I don’t usually care what other people think of me, especially tertiary people I may not see again. It’s just this weird “instinct” I guess you could say, to blend in. I’m not exactly sure where it came from or if there was a catalyst. On any given day I see several of the same people. And again, I don’t always feel this way and I’m trying to break myself of the habit.
To be a better listener, especially when talking to those wiser than me. Also by listening you will also learn who isn’t wiser and then take what is said with the right weight.
In my opinion, listening and paying attention to non-verbal languages bring much more benefits than talking does… I guess that’s why it’s harder.
Listening, rather than thinking about how I am going to respond. Being open rather than immediately defensive.
What can help you with this?
I think quieting my brain and slowing down and being open, trying to put myself in the other person’s shoes. I try these things now but sometimes my emotions get the best of me.
Sometimes I never know when my social anxiety is going to take a hold of me and make me act in ways I have no control over when I’m typically a very outgoing open person.
Do you think about this possibility within conversations as well?
More so in person then I do say on the phone or in various forms of text.
People
How come?
Just listening.
Yes… keeping our mouth shut and our ears open is tougher than it should…
I tend to get easily frustrated if I’m unable to articulate the way I want
And the more frustrated you get, the harder it becomes to articulate…
Exactly!
This question has to be up there with the other ultimate life questions such as our origin, meaning of life and so fourth.
The biggest issue isn’t with the audience, its the speaker who often fails to align thoughts with verbal language
I think it depends of the audience too, but it’s probably the speaker’s responsibility to choose his/her words wisely. But most of the time is not about the talking, but about the listening.
My English. This is my biggest challenge and this is also my biggest win. Never stop trying and improving. 😊
Awesome! Never stop trying and improving!
Thank you 😊
Find it difficult to engage because before I have even finished talking I can see the other person has already formed their reply regardless of what else I have to say.
Maybe it would be better to focus the conversation towards that person?
Communication is very difficult for me as I have hearing difficulties and central vision loss so struggle to lip-read. 95% of people refuse to adapt to my communication needs which is incredibly frustrating!
That’s tough… you are born with this or you suffered some sort of accident or illness?
I lost my hearing at the end of 2016 after a cold. Lost my central vision 3 months later prior to a suspected TIA
I’m very sorry to hear that…
Its OK, it has been a long journey learning to adapt but I’m getting there 🙂
Being an engaged listener. I talk to people for a living and sometimes it’s so hard to give a person my undivided attention.
Interesting! What do you do for a living?
I do glorified tech support, but really it’s just customer service.
Fear of not being listened to. I feel, so often, that I’m ignored, so I lose confidence in delivering my thoughts and become quiet due to the nagging feeling of being unheard. I shut down. I then feel like I have nothing useful to say in the process and it becomes a perpetual cycle of negativity inside my head.
Have you ever tried to make that other person feel good instead of thinking about what to say?
Common interests..we hardly have
So it’s not a matter of skill, but rather a matter of subject.
My verbal communication is rather flat, I say what I mean without much emotion. I remain calm and level, but it is not always well received. My words may be strong and precise, but the emotional animation is not there to drive them home. It upsets some people.
So people get upset because they cannot see emotion in your communication?
Yea, I guess so when they are expecting an emotional response. It also confuses people too.
I have to talk with people when I am not in mood to say a single word.
How often does it happen to be in such a mood?
Recently very often
Not being too blunt sometimes…
How do people react to that?
Well lately, people I interact with do not listen or interrupt or talk over me, so clearly I cannot communicate. However, I started ignoring them altogether, or just not engage in conversation, let them talk and hear nothing. And when they ask I say I heard nothing, and they get frustrated but still seek my company. Go figure!
Makes sense… maybe they’re not the proper people you need to interact with…
Tell me about it, can’t be avoided though for the time being
I’m a bit too blunt and honest and it can be intimidating.
How come you are so blunt and honest?
It’s the only way I know how to be. If someone asks me something I assume they want to know the answer so I give them the absolute truth and I don’t sugar coat. I don’t like liars so I guess I’m the other extreme.
Compensating for their likes and dislikes:( Fun though!
Could we ever compensate for that?
I tend to write how I talk and apparently that confuses people. I don’t know why, they talk to me on a daily basis.
The writing confuses them or the talking?