This need affects our lives more than we think. Most of the things we do are related somehow with this need. But first, what is this need and why it affects us so much?
This is related to one of our instinctual needs, the one of being part of a group. Why? Because in ancient times one individual could survive if he/she was part of a group. You couldn’t hunt by yourself, you couldn’t be safe by yourself, you couldn’t create and protect a family by yourself. Because of this, we kept on searching other individuals to help each other. When someone had the same needs and desires as us, it meant that they had the same values as us and we created groups with those people.
In our days, we don’t have the basic survival need to create groups, but we still feel the need to do it. But how can we do that? Basically, by doing things that others value (or we think they value). That’s why we do things we think they are appreciated by others. We feel the need to be part of that group. Sometimes our own values are replaced by the values of the group we want to be part of and the actions we do are related to that.
The real challenge here is to be able to separate our values to the ones the group has and to be able to find groups that have the same values as us. We shouldn’t change our values because of the group, but we should find groups with the same values as us to truly feel as a part of those groups.
How is this need for external approval affecting your life?
As a blogger, I feel it affects sometimes how often I post. If I go days with no likes or comments I feel like my work is unnoticed so I do something out or the ordinary to get attention again, but end up at the same result. I don’t need people’s approval to enjoy writing my posts, but for some reason inside I have the constant urge to do anything to get my stuff noticed when truly my life does go on without that one more like
Often, others will read or discover a post and not acknowledge the post (by liking, commenting or sharing) but take from/enjoy the post more than the writer assumes
I totally relate with that. I always keep an eye on the likes, comments and daily views. However, I don’t take this as a measurement of the quality of my work because I’m aware of how much work I need to put in for those numbers to go up. If I may give you an advice, don’t rely on numbers. Rely on how does writing make you feel. That’s the real indicator.
You are so right.
Most new fashions , many works of art, academic and athletic success , career advancement all result from this desire or need to excel and receive approval.
True! The thing is that it works very well. The bad thing is that once the approval doesn’t seem to come, the momentum starts to decrease and failure might become a real “option”…
True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” –Brené Brown, “Braving the Wilderness”
True! True change appears and sticks only when that person truly wants it.