As part of my daily routine I observe people, including myself. While doing this I try to develop for myself a habit of asking additional questions so I can have a better understanding of what might go on in my observations. Because of this, I’ve noticed something interesting: even though I can logically understand something, I just can’t accept it because it doesn’t feel right for me.
Why is this happening? What’s so powerful that our own logic can’t get through? The answer is our unconscious. When we have a powerful belief about something, almost nothing can convince us that it’s not true even if the arguments seem to be equally powerful from the outside. A powerful belief is deeply embedded into our unconscious and whenever we encounter something that seems to be a threat to it, we’ll get angry.
This might be why we get angry when talking to someone. In our random talks, the other one can say something that goes against one of our strong beliefs and we’ll be “triggered”. The problem is that the person we were talking to has no idea about this and because he/she can’t understand our reaction, he/she will get angry as well.
Since this cannot be changed from the outside, it should be change within us if we want to control it. My suggestion is that in the moment we notice that we start getting angry, we should ask ourselves if we’re overreacting or if that thing is that important to us to worth starting a fight.
When we’re talking to someone and we see that we can understand their point of view, but we just can’t accept it, I suggest we should tell ourselves that everybody has the right to have their own point of view and that people are different. A forced empathy might be good as well. We can ask ourselves: what would we do and how would we feel if someone would verbally attack us “out of nowhere”? (it’s out of nowhere because the ones we’re talking to can’t understand why we got upset and they would feel attacked and this might start an unwanted fight).
What do you do to prevent unwanted fights with the ones around you?
First I have to stop and take a walk. It’s better to have a cooler head and have thought things through than say or do things out of emotion and regret them after
Your post has led me to thinking about the concept of “the legitimate other”, which basically means holding people with a deep respect, and from an understanding that their behaviours and actions are legitimate for where they are in their way of being (their moods, their emotions, their thinking, etc) at the time. We don’t have to like or agree with what they are saying or doing, however if we can understand that they are doing the best that they can from where they are right now, then we are holding them as legitimate. The legitimate self is also key here because we want to be sure that, while we are holding the other person as legitimate, we are also holding ourselves as legitimate. If, to maintain my own legitimacy, I want to set boundaries, then that is fine. It is ok to experience all emotions – they are there to take care of us. The secret is in how we use the emotion to take action (we don’t have to yell and scream from anger, for example). Perhaps one way of reacting is to feel the emotion, notice why it is there, and then use it to take action that maintains the legitimacy of all parties.
I do not believe in convincing a person’s belief. Opinions can change but beliefs are stubborn.
It’s only fair when you think you’re right and you need to convince someone they’re wrong that you accept you might be wrong too!
Unfortunately, we’ve been preconditioned to question/reject what we don’t “understand”. As if we know what is “true understanding”. 🤦🏾♂️
Forcing others to understand, defines our misunderstanding of “acceptance” and “understanding”.
Thus, the creator gave us free will, instead of trying to make us understand.
So many ways to respond to this.
Is it important enough to invest more time in? Will that investment change anything? Can I find a common ground we can both agree to, and say “It’s OK to disagree beyond that”? Can I do some research with an open mind and be willing to change my point of view? Is there a “right” answer? Can I look at someone’s viewpoint and *gently* suggest they look at other options/sources.
A good dialogue takes work.
That’s a thing which bothers a lot. In process of self improvement, I often come across people who do stupid-ish things I don’t even think about practising myself and think how can they be destructive to themselves. That’s one point that I will only have myself if I despise but sweet irritation doesn’t leave me.
Thank you for the post BTW
To Everybody,
Do you think that everybody has his own truth or do you think that truth is independent of everybody’s beliefs?