Today I came across this idea that got stuck in my head: we give what we want to receive. The problem with this is that there are times when it creates more damage instead of doing good. Why? Because people are different and they have different needs.
It manifests the most when there is some sort of carrying relationship between the giver and the receiver. Here is an example: imagine that a husband comes home from work and he’s a little pissed for what happened there during the day. His wife notices that he’s upset and starts to ask what happened and why he is mad because for her this is a way to show her caring. There are times when men don’t want to talk about their problems so he is not answering. Maybe he tries to calm down so he can forget what happened. Also, he doesn’t want to transfer the problem to his wife. For him, it’s a symbol of caring. The wife takes his silence as an ignoring sign and she gets mad so she either expresses that anger or she gets into a silent corner as well. She thinks that her husband doesn’t care about her. As you can see, they both care about each other, but they have different ways to show it.
Each of those two from my example are offering their way of caring. That’s how they would like to be treated… that’s what they would like to receive from their partner, but they’re getting stuck in their own way because of the lack of perspective. When we would like to give something to others, we should think about what they would like to receive. Sometimes they would like the same thing as we do, but sometimes they don’t and our “gifts” might create conflicts…
How often do you consider other people’s needs when you’re the giver?
Too often. I don’t mean that to sound selfish, but you simply cannot pour from an empty cup.
Good article.
There’s a book called “The Five Love Languages” that deals with a pretty similar idea. Essentially that there are 5 primary ways people communicate affection. If you understand yours and your partner’s you can smooth over many relationship communication problems (so the author says anyway. 🙂 )
The Love Languages do work, but it can be really hard to speak your partner’s language if it’s not the same as yours. Just like any foreign language, you have to learn it to master it and sometimes we just don’t have the energy or the skill. But going the extra step to understand each other’s needs has made a huge huge difference in our marriage and I highly recommend!
Good to hear 🙂
When m the giver ,, I show love and care the way I want to recieve it … and if it matches w/ the other person’s need then we can get along … Because thats my way of loving and if the other person doesnt want it then they should find someone who fulfill their heart the way they want.
The reason I am bad at relationships is I show affection by putting the other person’s needs and wants first. They want to play video games all night… sure I’ll cook dinner, and wash up, and put away. They want to go to the pub but don’t have any money… here, have some of mine. They want to try some weird kinky stuff… sure, it makes me uncomfortable but I love you so I’ll give it a go.
I put so much effort into trying to think about what they might want or need that I lose myself. It’s a terrible habit, and one that is not appreciated, but becomes expected after time. In my experience it usually ends up being one sided.
I’m more me when I’m single. I’m a better me.
One thing we must recognize as women is, we need to let our partners rebuild their testosterone when they got home from work just staying on the couch and watching tv. It will allow them to open the communication lines with us.
When we, women, are upset and need to talk about something, we don’t need advice but just our partners to listen.
You give a good example, in your article, about how silence works and create misunderstandings between couples. Women are hired to communicate and talk about feelings and problems. The more aware we are about our differences, the more we will be happy together.
😉
Great, great point made here. Often we get so caught up in caring but only in the way we understand, which is totally natural I think as human beings. I never considered before meeting my husband that the way I naturally love isn’t how everyone else loves or wants to be loved. It’s just like giving a nice gift, say, of shoes but not at all considering the receiver’s shoe size. They might appreciate the thought, but can’t use the actual gift and they might be hurt that you didn’t consider their needs.
I had to learn that giving my husband time and space is the best way to care for him, but it’s been hard for me to step back since my Love Language is physical touch and affection.
At first I was so affronted by the fact he wanted space when he was upset or tired I asked “is this person right for me?” but slowly, as I practiced giving him his time, he’d come back quicker and be ready to connect again. It’s really helped both of us to learn to give and receive in a considerate way.
Thanks for posting!
Silk Cords beat me to it, I immediately thought of the Love Languages book too; Affirmation, Quality Time, Affection, Gifts and Acts of Service. These helped me to understand that my partner and I need different things, and it is still challenging to put it into practice. What Alexandra Maria said remind me of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Gender differences in our responses to stress can be a tripping point in male-female relationships. -Rebecca
In my experience, such circumstances have made dents in relationships not just with the spouse, but other family members and friends as well. And not just mine but in the lives of a lot of people close to me. I’ve learned that communicating openly with each other (best to do it after the storm has blown over and our minds are in a more normal mode) about how we would like a situation to be dealt with is priceless. As simple as this sounds, the lack of willingness to communicate is one of the largest plagues going around. But if we recognize and accept the importance of communicating, many hard battles can be won.