As always, I’m interested about the reason behind every human behavior and there is one answer that covers everything: the inner universe. The most interesting part about our inner universe is that we barely get to know it, and when we do know parts of it, we often go in the opposite direction.
I believe there are two strong forces that govern our inner universe: fear and desire, and they are shaped by our core beliefs. We basically act bases on which one is stronger. If our fear is stronger than our desire, we’ll behave the way fear dictates. If our desire is stronger than our fear, we’ll behave based on that. These two forces are strongly connected to the immediate consequences we predict. For example, if a person wants to write a book, that person will firstly look at the immediate consequences. If he/she “sees” judgment and rejection, the fear will get stronger than the desire and the chances for that person to never write anything increase. However, if the person “sees” that people’s lives can get better thanks to it, then the desire gets stronger that the fear and he/she will probably start writing. I believe that this applies for every aspect of our lives: finances, family, work, love and so on.
You know what’s the saddest part? That we fail to see the long term consequences. There are people who live their whole lives doing things against their inner universe. They deeply want something, but fear gets in their way and they behave “as expected” (by family, society, boss, friends, colleagues, spouse and so on). They never think about the fact they enjoy nothing about their lives and they will feel horrible until their time is gone. And the “funny” thing is that if you ever ask any of those people advices, they’ll say to live your life the way you want, that life is too short for compromises and that you should put yourself first before anything.
This is the reason why I believe we shouldn’t judge others based on their behavior when we don’t know their reasons. Maybe they want something so very much, but the fear is stronger than their desire and we judge them as being horrible people just because they behaved in a certain way.
We love to jump to conclusions because that’s how we feel better about ourselves, but what if we’re wrong? What if our conclusions are wrong? What if someone behaves in a certain way because he/she is afraid to go for what that person really wants? Yes, behavior is important because that’s what impacts real life, but I believe that reasons are even more important because they are strongly connected to one’s inner universe.
If you want to analyze your behavior, how often does your fears beat your desires?
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Your piece reminded me of the Freudian concepts called Eros and Thanatos, the drive to live and love and procreate versus the drive toward self-destruction. All of us, according to Freud, are constantly motivated by these two drives. So, in a sense, we are constantly pushed toward self-perpetuation and self-destruction. See the link below for a good, simplified reading on these two drives: https://www.verywellmind.com/life-and-death-instincts-2795847.
This is awesome, Troy! Thank you for sharing!
An interesting perspective, and it’s interesting to apply the fear-desire balance to your own behaviours. It’s particularly applicable, in my case at least, to anxiety and eating disorder. For the latter especially. Something to think more about. I will add them to the list of “people” I have inside that I work with – it helps me to think of the aspects of my personality that way. All different people riding in a bus. What’s important is who’s driving.
Thank you very much for taking your time to read! I guess the driver changes from time to time, don;t you think?
Absolutely. I leave a die-cast bus on the desk in my office and look at it regularly. It’s a visual reminder, telling me to check myself to see who’s driving.
I also think that there are deeper reasons for why people behave the way they do. That reason is usually fear. And that fear often stems from deeper psychological reasons. In the end, there is no reason to judge people because we all behave based on deeper psychological reasons.
Yes! The reasons we perceive are often so very different than the ones people have…
Love this!!
I love that you love it! 😀
Oh, wow… I’m getting better at not letting fear be the decision maker. I’m finding, oh what a surprise! that the more often I face what I’m afraid of, the stronger and braver I feel. Now, does this mean I’m going to step out in front of a speeding bus? No – because that is a logical fear. But things that are holding me back? Yeah, I’m staring them down because I’m made of more than fear.
Yes, you are! Awesome attitude!