Forgiveness and Relief

 

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Hi all,

We resent people at times because they did something wrong to us. Maybe they lied to us. Maybe they did not help us when we needed it. Then, we resented them and stopped talking. Or at least, we stopped being as close. I think everyone experiences something along these lines at some point in their lives.

I have been thinking what good this is to us. This thought is the result of another line of thinking. I was originally thinking what makes us tired. Obvious ones are extreme physical activity, sleeplessness etc. But there are also not so obvious ones such as resentment towards people. Let’s say that we are not on good terms with a colleague due to a reason similar to the ones above. We have to go to work. In addition to the work stress, we also have to deal with facing someone that we just fell out. We may believe it is ok but our minds usually do not think it is ok. Even if this is someone we don’t have to see that often, falling out with a friend is something that occasionally comes and goes in our minds. This is a secret energy drainer.

What can we do to keep our energy level? I believe we can forgive. Just trying to cut our emotional ties with the incident.

We can do this by thinking about the incident from our friend’s perspective: maybe they lied because they were under too much stress as well and they could not deal with whatever truth they were supposed to tell. Maybe, they would have told us if it was on another day. This is the strategy I use the most.

We can also try to tell ourselves the good sides of these friends rather than focusing on their lie. I am sure our friends have many good sides to them.

We can forgive by instructing ourselves to extract lessons from the incident and leave the incident in the past. This is not easy at all, but by forcing ourselves to focus on what good lies therein for us, we can gain more.

If we can forgive the major incidents and the participants involved, we can feel lighter, I believe. At least, it made me feel lighter to the extent I achieved that forgiveness. How do you deal with resentments? Do you try to forgive? If so, how do you do it? If not, do you want to?

Betul

 

41 thoughts on “Forgiveness and Relief

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  1. Interesting. I had a falling out with a friend 5 years ago. I felt her disinterest building despite so many great moments together. So I asked her, “Why have you disengaged?” She denied it. “We’re still friends.” (Here’s a hint. If someone asks you about problems in your relationship, there are problems in your relationship.) It took me a long time to realize that she had become indifferent toward me. I don’t know why. It’s hard on the ego. You have to decide: do I continue to put time and energy into this relationship or use that time to nurture other relationship or form new ones. As another friend advised me. “Let it go and move on.” I did. No regrets. No animosity. These things happen.

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    1. They do happen, yes, and sometimes friendships fade away. They have a life span as well. So, hanging onto them when they started fading does no good to us. We should try to leave the expectations and accept the current situation. Like, we cannot expect to do the same things in old age that we did in our youth. Times change. Friendships have a youth and an old age.

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    2. I’m currently learning to accept my friend’s indifference towards me. We were family for each other and yet things have faded away and I don’t know why. Not being able to understand this ‘Why’ drives me crazy at times but finally I am able to move on and be OK with it most of the time. The tough part is to see my friend everyday at work and actually have to interact sometimes for work purposes.

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      1. I had similar experiences too. Mine was a friend from college, so I had to see her in classes. But I convinced myself that things might change and not necessarily because of anyone. It naturally happens at times. I did this because my friend was not ill-intentioned. This thought helped, although it still took some time.

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  2. I try to look for positive evidence of friendship. When we are in a funk with someone it is easy to spot the negative and then let that be all we see. So I look for the positive. Sometimes there is none, and it is time to move on emotionally. More often though, there is still a lot of positive to take forward.

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  3. How do I deal with resentments?
    Figure out the source and cause of your resentment. …
    Recognize your role in resentment. …
    Question whether what you feel is jealousy or entitlement. …
    Feel what you feel. …
    Talk to a friend or trusted individual. …
    Write down what this person has done to upset you. …
    Tell the offending person how they have upset you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thanks a lot for the write up!
    I love to read your view points on various issues we face daily.
    As usual, written nicely, short and too the point!!
    But for me, easier said than done, having faced couple of times this in my life. And since then, I have been reading a lot about forgiving but somehow how much hard I try, I am not able to. So I forget and move on. It takes time but ultimately its better to carry on with your life !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree it is hard. But it is easier if enough time has passed and if the issue is not too big. It is also easier if we have had enough practice in forgiving. So, we should keep trying and we will get there eventually!
      Thank you for the kind words! They made me happy:)

      Liked by 1 person

  5. First, i do believe forgiveness is key. But mainly we need to forgive ourselves. It is tough to admit that many times.We are only human. In this instance, where resentment is a concern, realizing that we are also imperfect is the hardest part. Failing to forgive ourselves leads to a failure to forgive others- because subconsciously we see our own failures. In other words, when i get angry or spiteful i own it, allow it and then forgive myself first.Only THEN i can understand why i felt so negative towards the other party. Just works better this way.

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    1. Very good point! We need to practice forgiving in ourselves before we can forgive others. Also, when we forgive ourselves, we will understand why we do things, which will help us understand why people do things. This gives us justification for forgiveness. Thank you for sharing!

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  6. Great read! I think through talking it out with a friend you grow even closer and show what the friendship means to you. If you are more comfortable distancing yourself from a person I would still forgive as forgiveness for me is not to legitimize what the other person has done but to give myself peace and the ability to grow and move on.

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    1. That is a very good definition of forgiveness. Maybe at times, we should not legitimize things (although we should always try to look at things from those people’s perspectives as well). But we can try to lift their adverse effects on us.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hate and anger are exhausting. Negative emotions (held intensely and over a very long period of time) have been shown to cause all manner of diseases, including cancer. We think we are harming those we are angry with by being angry at them. In fact, the holder of the anger is the only one hurt. Forgiving is hard, but it is healthy and liberating. Nice post, Betul.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I convince myself that that person was probably traumatized as a child and so has no emotional intelligence and therefore doesnt know better. It helps me see them in a light of sympathy rather than resentment and helps me forgive

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You make great points, Betul! I use the ones you mention, too.

    At the end of last year I was struggling a bit with this one at work. Putting myself in my coworkers’ shoes and extracting the lessons helped me to stop taking things personally & that I have the choice to keep my peace and happiness no matter what happens.

    Liked by 1 person

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