I’ve approached this idea in other posts as well, but I believe it’s so important it deserves a new one. In my opinion, whenever someone behaves in a certain way because of what we said or did, that person actually behaves based on their interpretation on how that is going to affect himself/herself.
This is how I see it: if I’m arguing with someone and I’m getting mad because that person said something, I’m actually not getting mad because of those words, but because I unconsciously think that those words are threatening me and my integrity. For example, if someone is telling me that I’m stupid and I’m getting mad, my anger is not coming from the fact that he said it, but because deep down I’m afraid that it might be true and this fact is a threat to my being. If I did something that made that person to call me stupid, he/she said it not because of what I did, but because that action somehow is disturbing his/hers wellbeing. It could’ve been anyone doing the same thing and the reaction would have been the same or worse.
If a random person steals something from me, I’m getting mad because the act of stealing is threatening my wellbeing. If a friend steals something from me, I’ll get even angrier because my wellbeing is being threatened by the act of stealing and also by the fact that my impression about that friend proved to be wrong.
So next time someone is yelling at you because of what you did/said, think about the fact that he/she is not mad at you, but more likely because your words/actions has been perceived as threatening by that person. Yes, you are responsible for what you did, but that’s not the point here. It’s not about you, it’s about that person. Think about the moments you get mad on someone… are you really getting mad on that person? Or you’re getting mad because that action is somehow affecting you?
I believe that our actions and reactions have nothing to do with other people (most of the time). We’re acting and reacting based on how other people’s behavior affects our wellbeing.
What are your thoughts about this?